Nitelocke

This is a drawing I made for a good friend of mine's birthday.
I couldn't find a good enough flower to give him...
so I drew one instead.
It kind of goes with this poem...

A knife marked by guilt.
Red in the sand.
Reflecting rays of moonlight
On his outstretched hand.
Reaching for a symbol
Of a life he'd lost.
Reaching... reaching...
Until his arm slowly dropped.
He would never grasp her innocence,
Her beauty, her light
That this mournful flower
Reflected in the night.

Hello!

Go away. I mean it. This isn't for you.  So unless I told you to look up this page, actually gave you permission, or you don't know me, then please just go away. You're not wanted here.

If The World Could See What I See

I think I'll start a weekly segment on here, to track my point of view for awhile. It'll always use the same phrase "If the world could see what I see". I've asked my friends to finish the sentence a bunch of times before, but I rarely have time to answer myself. So why not, you know?

If the World could See what I See...
They'd see death and destruction everywhere. People crying out for help... but knowing they'll never be saved.

Detox

No, I wasn't "stupid enough to get caught"- I was smart enough to tell the truth and get the help that I needed. It was my decision to sober up, probation and expulsion or not. Having the law involved just gives me no way out but forward. And you know what? I'm glad. Because even though I'm going through a long and painful detox, and the walls are always closing in on me, and I overall feel like shit... I've never been stronger.

Abomination! Warning : Explicit

I went on Google and typed in "suicide". A million pages telling me how to kill myself and why i should or shouldn't do it... it had all the information I could ever need. Then I tried "cutting self harm". I almost threw my brand new laptop across the room... all I could see were people trashing anyone who's ever cut, calling them horrible things and just spreading... Hate. Anyone who was looking for a way out tonight wouldn't have found it... they would have run into a solid wall of shame. Warning: this is about to get explicit. Assholes! Look, just because you had your trashy little childhood where you experienced a trauma, and decided to start picking on people to ease the pain instead of relying on cutting or burning, does NOT mean you get to destroy someone's life by telling them how horrible they are when they already hurt. It does NOT mean you are in any way even remotely better than them. In fact, as soon as you post that online, you lose any and all respect, integrity, and rights you thought you had. You're now a douche with internet access, an abomination, a fuckin virus spreader. Anyone who posts something like that is a murderer. Because no matter what your fancy little lawyer might say, you HAVE killed someone with your stupid, shitty, uneducated opinion. There are two sides to every story, so stop staring at the fucking wall and read it! Just like politics, forming opinions just by what your peers say is outright idiotic. So congrats, murderer. You're officially a moron. Enjoy it.

Now, as much as I'd love to tell you to FUCK OFF, I am required by common decency to offer you a path to education and understanding on this subject. Because I do have a moral code... and I follow it. So if you are willing to learn, I suggest going to Google Images and typing in "self harm cutting burning". The images are horrible, but the stories behind them are worse. And don't you DARE try to use the old clique line "everyone goes through shit, if so-and-so could go through such-and-such without doing that, they should just suck it up because its not as bad". It's ignorant. Who cares what so-and-so went through? The person you're talking to doesn't. He or She is going through something right now. Comparing their problems isn't fair; people are affected by things differently. Who are you to judge which one is worse?

Oh, and I didn't give you this information to help you harass people more efficiently. If that's what you use it for then I hope from the bottom of my heart that whatever higher power you might believe in, or just society in general, will somehow seek its revenge on you in the most brutal and gruesome way possible. Because you deserve worse.

The Gift

This is the beginning of a drawing to illustrate the story,
and the end of a film I plan to make based on it. 

Long ago, in a garden planted by the Angels, there was a single rose bush. But, it was unlike the extravagant and unruly roses we see today. It was simple and elegant, and possessed only one blossom. The petals were said to contain venom from Satan himself, and grant immortality and wealth to whomever consumed one. The flower was so beautiful that men would be blinded by its grace if they ever laid eyes on it. But no man ever has, for it rests upon the peak of a wretched mountain covered in poison-tipped thorns. God placed it there as His most precious gift at the dawn of time to lure back his children on Earth. Every day, the Devil tries to diminish and replicate its glory in our gardens and homes, and draw us        away from our true desire. God sees this, but still He guides us toward the dangerous path up. He knows that the only way to ensure an eternity with us is to watch us suffer through pain and injury, trying in vain to reach something He has already given us.

Purpose

Sometimes I ask myself why I'm here. What purpose do I serve? What am I meant to do? Who will I become? How should I live my life? I don't think I'll ever be able to fully answer those questions. But here's what I've got so far:
I am here to follow the Lord, and to serve him in any way that He says to. I am meant to fight for truth and what I believe is right. I will become a warrior, a speaker, and the child God sees in me. I will become a faithful servant in his eyes. I should live my life to the fullest, and always take into consideration how it affects the world and who I am.
These answers will change as I grow and understand life more and more. Only when I die will I know if I've answered them correctly.

Preachers

Preachers try to tell us who God is. But all they say is who they think he is. They never ask us what we think. Sometimes they tell us to go find out, to talk to Him. But.. what if He doesn't talk back? What if He doesn't know who we are? What if He isn't real?
These questions stop us from knowing God. Our poor faith keeps us from believing in the one real and eternal Being. Our poor faith keeps us from knowing love.
Those thoughts and ideas used to plague me. But now I've reached a conclusion: Each and every one of us needs to understand Him in our own way. This is my understanding.
God made everything. He Imagined Imagination, Invented Invention, and Created Creation. And everything He makes, He loves. God's love never fails. He loves me for me, despite all my mistakes and faults. God is above all else. He is above all pain and hatred. He is above Evil and fear. He will protect me as long as I believe this. God has saved me from the worst ideas and beliefs I've had. He saved me, and will continue saving me because He loves me. And i love Him.

To my random, disobedient readers:

I think I should mention to those who are reading this... against my will... that my posts aren't exactly in order. All this stuff is from random pages of my many black notebooks and sketch pads. Sooo if I seem bipolar, sorry. I'm really not.