my disappointment leads to me.

It's like I'm caught up in all of these stupid feelings of rejection and disappointment, even though deep down inside I know its my fault. I caused this fate. I caused this strain. I love you, so I want it to be perfect, but since it's not I'm frustrated, so i take it out on you. which is stupid. and i know that. i should just love you and be patient, and if i have to blame anyone it should be myself. I'm sorry. I know it's messed up. you really dont deserve this... not from me. not ever.

Song- Comparative Victory

Apathy is what drives my motives

I can not be here all alone

I cant be here on my own

I see you walking with ambition

Listenin'

Watching the way you succeed

It reaches in me and twists up my insides

To think

I could be where you are 

And youd be here with this version of me

That will tear you to pieces

You're unreachable, unstopable, unhatable, unforgivable

You're what i long to destroy

Cuz i know you'll always be ahead of me

Seeing what i see

From another perspective

Is it true

That i should keep my eye on you?

Or should i look away and find my own way 

Outta here? 

Cuz you have it all

You've always had it all

You've never lost your meaning for life

Except that time

When you came cryin' to

Silly me

I thought it would change you 

I thought youd appreciate all I've done for

Sweet little you 

And your lollipops, gumdrops, sugary parade of 

Comparative victory

Can you see

Why cant you see

How I've saved your sorry ass

Introducing Luke: another sneak peek/teaser

Here's something I wrote today.

Luke sighed and opened his eyes as a ray of sunlight fell across his face. He could not gather the will to move. He never could. He felt something gnawing away at his very soul- not worry or anticipation, but something darker and deeper… something that wanted nothing more than to consume him alive. Something more familiar and reliable than the beats of his own heart.

These were the moments he lived for. No one was counting on him to be strong and keep it together. In these few precious seconds were the peace and vulnerability he so longed to express.

His thoughts reached true clarity as the fleeting moment faded along with the forgotten last fragments of his dreams. The responsibility of his stature weighed down on his free-spirited chest and brought him back to the contrast-less bitter reality of his life. He closed his eyes and shut it out. He would not face this day.

He felt her next to him.. their bodies pressed together under the thin material. He smelled the sweat and grime on his body almost masking her light, intoxicating scent. He shut his eyes tighter. Their heart beats were one in perfect synchronization. The resonating vibrations of her voice seeped through her voice in her sleep. She was real. She was real. This was real.

He opened his eyes. She was gone. He was alone. Fading.

He sat up and let his face interlacedly grate into his fingers and palms. Paused. Closed his eyes. Exhaled.

The sound of Reece lifting his head drew Luke out of his haze.

“What’s wrong?”

The soft voice echoed through the receding fog in his mind. He shouldn’t have waited so long. Dwelling in honesty would lead to pain and fear.

“Get up.”

He let his hands fall from his face and rose. “Let’s go.”  He hardened himself against weak gentleness with burning anger and bitterness. “I said get up.” His voice was shaking with the rage he could never control. He glanced over at the motionless, studying expression. Reece wasn’t moving. Luke knelt on one excruciating knee and pushed himself off of the ground.  In two strides he was standing over his brother with his knife drawn. He hovered above the younger boy, ready to lunge at the first brave word spoken. He shifted his weight away from his injured leg. Reece was still silently waiting. “What! What do you want?” he could hear his words losing power. “Stop staring at me! Get up.” He condensed his shaky words into a sharp, intense order.

Reece still didn’t move. With a roar Luke hurled his knife into the floor almost too near to his brother’s head. He refused to limp as he stormed out of the room before he could see the spark of fear in Reece’s eyes.