If The World Could See What I See #6

If the World could See what I See...

Truth really would be a relative term.

Drinking

For me, drinking is hard. I never really know how it'll turn out. In fact, its never quite the same... Always different feelings and emotions driving different actions. Oh yeah, I get very emotional when I'm drunk. I'm pretty young, too young for this stuff, but still its usually its not too bad... A little cocky here, a little feisty there... Not usually serious enough to destroy my friendships. Usually.  Well I mean, once I did punch a good friend of mine in the face.... He didn't forgive me for a month. But that's okay, its not like we'll be buddies forever... In fact it looks like I might never see him again. That isn't my point, though. Actually, I don't really have a point. Except that this time I feel sad.  Really sad. Like its not gunna  be okay this time. Like I won't be okay. Maybe never.

Hi..?

Stop reading this blog. Stop. I mean it. Your kind isn't welcome here. That is, unless I gave you the link... I which case I should say that I post every Friday and Saturday at 3. But that's unlikely. So go away.

A Message I Should Have Sent

Two posts in one day? Three extra posts this week? Yeah, I probably am insane. Oh wait a sec... I deleted the one from last night. It was kind of really horrible. Like, cruel. I hope I never use my words to destroy someone to that degree ever again. I'm a bad person... Anyways! I was going through the drafts on my cellular device, because I have alot of crazy ideas on there, when I came across a message I never sent. Now, normally this wouldn't be very interesting, but it happened to be a response to a question a friend once asked me. I don't remember the exact question... but my answer gives a general idea. Enjoy, you disobedient children.


"Hey I'm sure you're probably asleep so if I wake you up I'm really sorry... I'm tired and I cant sleep so I figured I might as well answer your question. Yes, sometimes I do still think like that. As much as I've worked on it, and as far as I've come, there are still times when I just want to end it all or cut or... something. Those kinds of feelings don't go away quickly. And the longer you have them... the longer it takes. Mine have lasted three years now...It's gunna take a very long time to get rid of that mentality. But I'm willing to put in the effort as long as I can see the end result. And as long as I can see the people I care about, I can definitely carry on. Sorry that took so long... I really don't have an excuse."


It's from quite awhile ago. I didn't want to delete it for good, because it's so true... so I'm throwing it in my virtual dump site to be saved and sorted. Yay!

Death

A friend of mine once told me that I talk about death alot. I asked him about it later that week, and he said sometimes I seem kind of... focused on it. Farther into the conversation he said one of the effects of that would be fear of death.

That kind of puzzled me. I do talk about death alot. I think about it even more. But... I'm not afraid of it. It doesn't bother me at all. Several of my pets and family members have died, and only one of them made me sad. But I wasn't sad about losing her, I was sad she had to suffer for 16 hours before I could have her put down. I held her all night and morning, trying to make her feel safe. I hurt because she hurt, not because I didn't want to lose her.

I'm totally fine with death. I kind of understand it, in a way. Somehow it makes sense. Why would I be afraid of something I understand?

If The World Could See What I See #5

If the World could See what I See...

"HOPE" would just be a fading dream.

Three words

I can take your identity with three words. I can destroy you. Or maybe just one... You are pretty weak. Just go die. Go kill yourself. I hate you. HATE. It's such a pretty word... With such meaning. Very powerful. See? I can break you with it. Oh, but seriously, I hope you kill yourself.

An Elaborate Hypothetical - Lone Shark

I'm extremely bored and I started thinking... and ended up halfway through a tough hypothetical situation. I thought it was cool... so I'm writing it down before I forget. In this scenario I somehow, against all odds, broke my friend's $1400 camera while I was showing him this really cool place that a photographer like him would call heaven. Excuse the poor grammar.


I say "shit... how much does it cost?"
He says "you don't have to..."
I say "hey, don't. how much is it?"
he says "$1400..."
I stop and think for a sec. "I can get you the money in less than a month for high risk, or in three months for fairly reasonable risk."
He gives me a weird look and asks "what are you going to do?"
I say "one month or three?"
He says "three."

A month later he's old enough to place bets and gamble. I take him to a nearby race and tell him the plan. "in every sport you can gamble on, there's at least one lone shark. I've got $50 right now, in two months you'll have $1400. All I need you to do is place the bets and not talk to anyone I do. Cool?"
"That's a bad idea."
"I know, but just trust me on this one, alright? Gambling runs in my blood." I lead him in. "stand right there and look bored."

I scan the room and see what I'm looking for: a man in a nice suit sitting at a table by himself. He doesn't have a briefcase like in the movies, which is slightly disappointing. But his left arm is closer to his chest than his right so I know he's carrying some money. I walk over to the table and sit down. I don't say anything, just look at him.
"Can I help you sweetheart?" he says.
"How much interest?"
He chuckles. "200%"
"Smart" I say "The interest is high so your clients are forced to bet big. But that doesn't benefit you, now does it? Anyone who comes to you has a gambling addiction. That means the only way you get your money back is if they win. I'm guessing you're employed by the stadium. But I don't want to play by stadium rules. I want the same as you do; under the table. I want to get back my money with a little extra for myself. But I'm generous, so I'd like to help you out a little too. $50, 120% interest. Off the books."
"150 and you've got yourself a deal."
"Nice doing business with you, sir."
"Aren't you a little young for this sport?"
"Is anyone too young to take a chance?" I got up and walked away with an extra fifty dollar bill in my pocket. I didn't need to look back to see the grin on his face.


That's as far as I got before I picked up my laptop... I left out a huge argument between my friend and I, so sorry about that. I couldn't remember the exact wording, and that's sort of important with this specific friend. But it doesn't really matter that much.

If The World Could See What I See #4

If the World could See what I See...

They wouldn't bother to run away.

Shadows

Sometimes I look at shadows. Just to watch how they move. They're all different, all unique... but somehow the same. They are all empty shells of the people they reflect. It kind of reminds me of the identities people create for themselves. Shallow, vague, and easy to shatter with just a little light. Is that why there are so many broken people out there? Did someone put a spotlight on their shadow of a life? And if that's true, what would happen if someone was to pick up those broken pieces, turn them over... and find that if they fit together just right, they can reflect the real person inside you? What would they see? If shadows were mirrors, would there be less people crying out for help?

The Rat

I wanted to do a meaningful tribute to the victims of 9/11... but today I lost a beloved pet and dear friend of mine. So this is the best I can do:

Once upon a time, in the most beautiful room ever imagined, there lived a rat. She was an artist's roommate. Every day the rat dreamed about the outdoors. The birds, the bees, the wind blowing through trees that she could always hear through the open window over the artist's bed. But she was loyal, and never ventured out of the room unless her companion the artist was with her. She would sit in her glass bed and accept many gifts in return for listening to sad stories. There were new tales every day, about lost friends and abandonment and abuse and death. But she always listened. One night, so late it was morning, the rat got sick. Very sick. The artist was just coming back from a day of drawing when she saw the rat. Poor and helpless... and ready to pass on to a better life. The artist held the rat in her arms and watched her all through the night, protecting her and giving her comfort. The next day, when it was almost time, she told her one last story. A sad story about death and destruction, misunderstood cultures, loss and trauma, fear and hope. She told a story about one fateful day that would change the world forever, and bring fear and hope to millions. Then it was time. After a mournful goodbye, the artist waited for the rat to die. With her last breath the rat shed a tear for all those lost.
The artist made a special bed for the rat to lie in forever. In it she placed a shell from the sea, a carrot and walnut, two coins for her passage across the river Styx, and a note goodbye. It read:

Ratalie
Loved November 2011-
September 11, 2012

Forever Rest In Peace,
Ratalie. You were loved,
and you always will be.
I'll miss you...

September 11, 2012
4:14 pm

She rested in the shade of a tree she remembered hearing. She watched the birds and the wind in the trees as her bed was placed in the moist earth. One last goodbye.

"Yes we'll walk with a walk that is measured and slow,
And we'll go where the chalk-white arrows go,
For the children, they mark, and the children, they know
The place where the sidewalk ends." -Shel Silverstein

If The World Could See What I See #3

If the World could See what I See...
they might finally understand that no one can be trusted.

Please be okay...

So... I guess we're not as great of friends as I thought. But... that's okay, right? I mean, not everyone can mean that much to him... or anyone... actually, he doesn't really have anyone. No one at all, really. I want to help him so bad... I just don't know how. He says he'll let me in, but he wont. He says he'll be fine, but sometimes he's really not. He says he doesn't have anyone, but I'm right here! Right in front of him, and still he doesn't see it. I just want to help him in any way I possibly can. Why cant he see that? He's been this way for so long, I guess he just doesn't see it. I just hope he figures out soon that I'll always be there for him. If he lets me, anyways.

Waiting...

If my trust was my bedroom wall, he would demolish it. If my trust was a window, he would shatter it with a brick. If my trust were real, he might have broken it along with our friendship, like he does to everyone else. But he forgot one crucial thing. I don't trust anyone. Not even him. So even if he tries to shake me, or lie to drive me away... I'll be right here. Like always. Waiting for him to stop being a moron and come back for help. I'm not going to chase him, but I will wait for him to come back. Because he always does. Eventually.

If The World Could See What I See #2

If the World could See what I See...

They'd know that death is a privilege.