Seeya Suckahz!!!

It looks like it's just Sharpie, but really

I carved it into both fists with some 

glass. The other hand is a mirror 

image. I covered it in Sharpie so less

people would ask about it... 

I think I'm going to take a break from this for awhile. I've been trying to get better. I'm tired of living like this. I've got too much anger, too much fear, too much pain. It just gets worse when I write about it now. This used to help me face what was going on, keep me accountable for my feelings; because for a while I refused to feel anything. It let me say what I needed to, and that helped me find the root of my anger. This let me see the connection between events happening or that have already happened and how I would react. But now all it does is fuel the rage inside me. It promotes the same thoughts that have been destroying me for four years. I've learned to face whats within me- now I need to learn how to deal with it. I need to learn how to heal. So this is my informal half-goodbye. I'll be back, I just don't know when. My Friday posts will still show up, because they're already scheduled... But everything else will discontinue indefinitely. Sooo bye. Thanks for reading, I guess. I dunno. I still don't like you guys. 

If The World Could See What I See #10

If the World could See what I See...

fear would be continuous.

This is Normal... I Think...

I almost feel the need to post something crazy and out there, totally uncalled for and outrageous. But then, after I looked at all my previous posts... and thought about the ones I'm planning on doing... I realized that to be able to do so, I would have to be normal for just one. Which is harder than it sounds... because as soon as I say I'm trying to be normal, I'm automatically acting abnormal. Which means I'm being weird. Not normal. And this was a complete waste of time. Oh screw it...

BYE.

Go away. Stop reading and go away. Bye.

Porn

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Ummm here, let me un-confuse you...

I think I should clear something up for my non-existent readers. It must be really confusing for them. I mean, there's scheduled posts on Fridays, then the same phrase every Saturday, and a whole bunch of other random posts in the middle of the night? I can almost picture their puzzled expressions... all transparent and fake looking... So I'll explain it. As of right now, 6-ish pm on Monday the 22nd, here's how my posts work:

Every Friday for the next four months already has a designated post. Most of it was written months to years ago, so If anyone out there actually does read this... those are irrelevant in my life right now. And those periodic "Go Away" posts are, too.
Every Saturday will be the same response to the same phrase. It will also be scheduled, however, those are new every week. That's right, those really do describe my viewpoint for the week.
Random posts are from seconds before I finish typing them. Since I'm coming to accept the possible diagnosis of bipolar disorder by my last shitty councilor, Cheryl Peterson, who completely fucked me over, I'll admit that those are the most accurate for a day-by-day account for how I'm doing.
Some posts might disappear, and possibly reappear, randomly. That's because sometimes I write things I shouldn't. So if they disappear, don't freak out. And if they reappear with slight or major modifications, don't freak out.
Get it? Got it? No? Too bad. Now FUCK OFF. I've already said I don't want anyone to read this shit. Cuz thats what it is, shit. Worthless shit from inside my mind. 

Protect To Destroy

I never needed you. I never wanted you. I “confided” in you and “showed you my heart” just so I could take yours and crush it. I only ever called you when the sociopathic drug addict I usually talked to about shit happening in my life wouldn’t answer or hung up on me. I was more upset about him than my actual problems. Not that I should have been. I was starting to rely on him, and he noticed that. I guess for a guy with no feelings he was kind of a sweetharte. He spared me from a lot of pain by pushing me away and leaving. So I should have been thanking him… but I didn’t care at the time. I didn’t care about anything. I still don’t.

I said I go through friends like payless shoes? Well it’s not because they betray me, or don’t love me, or are shallow… or whatever other bullshit excuse I’ve given you before. It’s because I push them away, break them down, and then leave them to rot. I find it fun. I’m not a sociopath, I am capable of love. But instead of using that to grow beautiful relationships, I prefer to crush it wherever I see it. You love her? Here, let me destroy that for you. You love me? Oh that’s cool, watch me rip you to a million pieces one shred at a time, and make sure you feel every tear. But don’t worry, it won’t be torture. Because you’ll forgive me every single time. You said you would, remember?

“You can’t hurt me.” What bullshit! I can hurt anyone. It’s what I’m here for. Maybe that’s why I always wanted to be a soldier… The only things I’m good at are protecting and destroying. I’m a monster. But… I can’t kill myself or I’ll go to Hell, and won’t be able to protect you from it.. I can’t make you kill yourself or we’ll both go to Hell, and I’ll have to spend an eternity with you. The only thing left is to kill you myself. I go to Hell, you go to Heaven. I protect you at the same time as destroying you. But I can’t do that yet… It’s not your time. I have to wait for you to fulfill your purpose before I start on mine. So hurry up, will you? I’ve been waiting for a while already.

Thanks, God. You gave me the one combination that can combat what the Devil made me. The world is safe from me. Oh yeah, but I almost forgot to mention; that very combination will destroy me. Satan wants me to kill? Yeah, give me an obligation to protect. Good idea. Make me a Christian, and let me see you. Let me love you. Then, when I swear to serve you faithfully, tell me my purpose. Tell me the horrible truth. Let me put the pieces together. Then watch me understand. I have to protect, but I need to destroy. Spiritual warfare? Yeah, that’s me. Great, huh?

Look, I don’t want to hurt you. But I have to protect you. From the world, from Hell, from… Me. But I can only save you from two of those.

I know you’ll disagree. But everyone has a purpose, why shouldn't mine be a darker unique? I always knew I was different.  I used to believe people when they said I was destined for great things... Wonderful things. Things God planned for me. I was such a fool. Now I know the truth. I’m different because I’m a mistake. An evil creation turned slightly good. A being with one purpose: to fix an exact moment in time that hasn't occurred yet. Of course, I can always just neglect my duties and forget you. But I love you… and if I do that, Satan gets you. So I’m trapped. God created a living paradox to share your destiny.

I have to be here just in case. For the slight, but undeniable chance that you might want to kill yourself too. For the likely hood that you'll succeed. And if you do, and I'm already in Hell, then you'll have to join me in the flames. But if I'm still alive... If I'm still destined for even the lowest rank of Heaven... I can give that to you. I can choose to give you my eternity... 

You said I'm not just a chess piece in this sick game called life. Well you're right. I'm not a chess piece, my life is. My decisions are what They want. My decision at the end... Whether or not I'll make the right choice. If I'll even be able to. The time has not even begun to dawn and I'm already mourning my Father's departure. will I have the strength to let him leave me forever? Even for someone I care so deeply about? You said if it was up to you, we’d be friends forever. Well, it’s not up to you. It’s my decision. And I’m sorry, but your wishes can’t be. No matter what I choose… I leave you forever.

If The World Could See What I See #9

If the World could See what I See...

there wouldn't be second chances.

Poison

I drew this on my arm at summer camp.

Black & White

I know my life isn't Black & White... but sometimes I like 

to pretend it is.

Bittersweet Concoction

I'm not going anywhere. I want to, I really do. But I can't. It's not just that I truly care for you... a rare occurrence .. it's that I know more than I should. I wish I didn't have to know the truth. Because with every truth comes responsibility. I used to think I knew so much. Now I know how little I really knew. In my opinion, I know too much. I took on more responsibility than I ever should have. Screw understanding; now I know it's just a trap. A trick that I fell for. And now I have a requirement, an obligation that needs to be attended. I'm supposed to stay. I can leave whenever I want, but I'm supposed to stay by your side. The weight of the world really is on my shoulders... Leave to destroy you, or stay to destroy me. And I can't leave because I care. So I'll take this bittersweet concoction with an extra pinch of salt and tell you I love you. Because I do. I'm giving up my eternity for you... so you'd better believe it.

Fucking greater good... always complicates things. 

If The World Could See What I See #8

If the World could See what I See...

they'd know that miracles are just a bedtime story to tell children, to teach them how to hope; and that hope is just a delusion society has created to make sense if the chaotic insanity of our lives.

Regrets

I thought about this specific drawing for three months before
I actually attempted to draw it. I almost wish it didn't mean
so much to me...

Lets Play Games

A confession for a friend:

The last time I cut was in honor of you. I even did it the same way you used to. I actually liked it better than all the other styles I've tried over the years... it didn't just contain my anger, it released it and let it grow, too. So, thanks, I owe you one. I mean, I guess we're sorta even, since I did dedicate a scar on my arm just to you... but I have a feeling you'll take that the wrong way. So maybe according to your balance I owe you two. But hey, who's counting? Oh wait, I am. *laughs*.
I like this. Almost as much as all the games I've played with you. Did you know they have names? Yeah, I made them up beforehand. My favorite was "Ten chances to save a life". But you were disappointing that time. Why wouldn't you play? You always have before. Not that you ever really knew you were... but still! And that one was my favorite, too. Will you play it with me today? It IS my birthday. Please?

If The World Could See What I See #7

If the World could See what I See...

they would know that everything is reliable - even if that means it's only reliably unreliable.

If you don't understand that, go away. I don't give a shit. Also, I don't care that this is seven and a half hours late. So shut up and leave if you don't like it. 

Song - Live to Die

I'M DONE
I'm fuckin DONE, and I know
I can't stop from falling down. I'm alone
In this world
With a heart full of lies and a smile
The FIGHT of my LIFE isn't truly MINE

Cuz when shit hits the fan andthe pieces scatter
I jump the fuck back and double with laughter
Now the reflection in the glass is no longer mine-
Cuz I LIVE to DIE

I'm condemned to life, but cast away
Thrown out with the trash but forced to live today
I'm the discard that no one wants to know
Because the human race knows how to stoop this low

But why should they care?
How could they know?
When it comes to the truth I've got none to show
And who wants a pirate, a liar, a thief
To stand out in their crowds like a fluffy black sheep
But condemned as I am I've got nothin to lose
So I'll fight to the death to
SCREAM OUT MY TRUTH

IM DONE
I'm fuckin DONE, and I know
I can't stop from falling down. I'm alone
In this world
With a heart full of lies and a smile
The FIGHT of my LIFE isn't truly MINE

I'm living in the moment, no regrets
Living for one purpose, left for dead
My memory is fading, my mind is numb,
Reality is fading like the evening sun
I'm almost gone.
The dreams of my sleep are cut
By the nightmares of my life- I'll never give up
This fight. But I won't live through the night
I'm hardly AWAKE when I open my EYES

I'M DONE
I'm fuckin DONE, and I know
I can't stop from falling down. I'm alone
In this world
With a heart full of lies and a smile
The FIGHT of my LIFE isn't truly MINE

Mechanic Quote

So, I was watching one of my favorite movies, "The Mechanic", last night, and for the first time ever noone was talking during one specific part of the movie. And holy crap, there was the coolest quote I've ever heard in any movie- including "The Dark Night". Here's the magic: 

“I’m going to put a price on your head so big that when you look in the mirror your reflection is gonna want to shoot you in the face.”

I thought that was really cool. sooo yeah.