You Totally Just Peaked...

So I was going through my email, deleting everything from Facebook, Youtube, Newgrounds... and pretty much everything else I've ever been subscribed to or a member of, when I came across a ton of old photos of the "classy monster" who was supposed to be in my short film. I had to postpone filming due to complications with my actors' scheduals and, well, the inconvenience of being expelled and no longer having access to the tools that I needed... but I will make that film, even if it's the last thing I do. *coughcough* anyways.... here's a sneak peak, for you losers who wont go away. Yes, I'm insulting you and rewarding you at the same time. Shut up. I know I'm a hypocrite.

Leave.

Um, bye. Not to be rude... but I'm metaphorically slamming a door in your face. I seriously don't want anyone to read this on a regular basis... it's not even a real blog. I'm not talking about anything that you'll want to know about. So get off my metaphorical property.

Turmoil

I just need to get away. But not really. I want to be around... it's just, everything's too loud. too fast. too... something. I can't even breathe sometimes. Can't eat, can't sleep. My mind is shutting down... and I can't stop it. Which is bad. Really bad. If I really do have conduct disorder... will it morph into antisocial personality disorder? Will I become a sociopath? I cant afford for that to happen. Iv'e got too much to lose. I can't hurt anyone as it stands... but if my emotions and guilt continue to fade away, will I be capable of doing what I can't stop thinking about? The darkness has already consumed my mind. If all the light goes... bad things could happen. Really bad things. I don't want to do it. But I'm afraid I might. I just want this fucking war in my head to go away. To stop, for nothing to win. But... that's impossible. One side has to win. And both sides will destroy me. For three years I've kept it a fair fight. Equal. No side gained any ground. But it's becoming unbearable...the endless turmoil. Torture.  It hurts so bad. I have to end it, but I don't know how. And I don't know who should win. I don't trust anyone to make that decision for me. Actually... I couldn't do that to them. Because if I blow up, they're the first person I'd lash out on. And if I shut down, they're the one I'd leave. I can't give anyone that responsibility. If they're close enough to be let in... I can't hurt them. I just... I don't know what to do. Both sides would destroy the world if given the chance. If I keep them busy maybe they'll leave me alone. Maybe I can stay alive.

My Future

Wow!! Cool!!! A surprise post!!!
yep, that's right. A live, current, real post from the actual day I wrote it. nope, i'm not coming back yet. but this is still kinda cool, right?
no? then fuck you, go away you ungrateful brat.

Enjoy.


It has always been hard for me to imagine my future. Even as a little kid, "what I wanna be when I grow up..." always seemed like more of a game than a possible reality. My childhood was a fantasy world with war games and fairy tales; lawyers, vets, professional jelly bean-testers, and teachers didn't quite fit in to that. It was just another game of make-believe to talk about the future.

As I grew older, and went through that mind-blowing change where I could actually form my own opinions, I progressively realized that I didn't expect to live past my youth. It was just middle school, high school, and then... nothing. I wasn't suicidal yet, I didn't plan on doing anything extremely dangerous... I just couldn't imagine anything past that. It was like my life had a pre-determined expiration date. College never really crossed my mind as a serious possibility. Neither did marriage, kids, a career, retirement, or even old age. I couldn't imagine myself past 17.

All those lectures about my future from family and supportive teachers just kind of went over my head. I listened, of course, I'm not intentionally rude to people I respect. I could probably even recite them all word for word by now. But it never seemed to apply to me. It was like their speeches were meant for someone else, and I was just the middle-man used to spread the word to the person who actually needed it. I started almost flunking classes every semester. Grades meant nothing to me anymore. Sure, I could have easily gotten straight A's if I tried, but I didn't see the point of passing except to keep my family off my back. School was a joke.

Maybe I should have focused more on school... It would have distracted and kept me away from all the junk that destroyed me. But hey, you live and learn, right? Now I've finally learned how to cope with my everyday life, and all the insanity and horrors that come with it. I've realized how easy it is for me to just give up and fall back into my own personal hell, and how to stop myself from doing just that. I'm ready to fight for the future I never knew I had. I'm ready to LIVE.

I've been given one last chance to save myself... and I intend to use it to the fullest potential. There will always be something to hold me back, but there will always be a reason to venture on into the abyss of my life.

Lethal

We both have trust issues. We've both been hurt before... badly. I get it. It makes sense that we're both super cautious about who we tell information to. It makes sense that neither of us want to get too close. And when you say that I'm dangerous for you, that you have to watch yourself around me, I get that too. Because if I'm dangerous, you're lethal. I'm drawn to you so much it almost hurts. I want to run away... but I can't leave you. I want to hide... but you'll know where to find me. I want to stay and tell you everything... but I wont let you in. You make my head a walking contradiction.You're kind of like my own special addictive toxin. If I don't detox I'll overdose, but if I stop for too long I'll get the shakes. The only time it stops is when I'm with you. Then at least I can relax and enjoy the moment, make it last as long as I can. And... I'm okay with that. I can deal with the turmoil in my mind as long as I can still come see you. Because it only really hurts when I'm away.

Hell? What's That?

Noone really talks about Hell. It's almost like we're hoping it doesn't exist. In a way it's almost ridiculous... you could go up to any Christian I know asking about Heaven, and they'd babble on for hours about how freaking amazing it is and all the wonderful things attached. But if you go up the same person a week later and question them about Hell, you'll get a pretty sketchy answer: a vague description and assurance that you don't want to go there. But... why? According to unbiased polls about Christian faith and beliefs, we can't even agree on whether or not Hell is eternal. Is that why nobody ever talks about it? Are we really that unsure? And if we don't even know how long we're supposed to be there, if we only know half of our faith, how can we expect to bring non-believers to our God? Maybe that's why it's so hard to save people these days. I mean, there are countless pamphlets talking about God and Heaven and how you'll go to Hell if you don't believe in them... but it never lists "What's so horrible about Hell" or "How do you know it exists" under Frequently Asked Questions. To some people, that sounds kind of hypocritical.
Now, don't get me wrong, I do believe in Heaven and Hell and all that. I have for my whole life. I'm just saying that, as Christians, we should take a step back and ask ourselves; why do we believe in Hell? Maybe then we wont seem so crazy to non-believers.