Response to Promp

"Many people have hidden qualities that do not emerge until they are needed. It can feel wonderful to discover in yourself a strength that you did not know you have. Write about a time when you learned something about yourself that you hadn’t known before." 

I learned how to kill during my freshman year. It wasn’t overnight, or even an epiphany moment. It was a slow, agonizing, degrading, heart-wrenching process fueled by anger, grief, and an excess of power. It was a series of realizations and corresponding decisions. These life altering changes made me who I am today.

My first realization occurred on December 11th, 2011. After a personal tragedy regarding the vastness of my selective innocence, the lens through which I saw the world changed. It was no longer me, an insecure little fourteen year old, looking out at the world around me closing in; there were a million people who I would someday meet, all of whom felt the same as I did, and all as easily influenced as I acknowledged I was. My dramatic realization inspired a decision to never rely on any being so easily shaped and molded by outside forces. I was alone in my own reality, and it was so much better that way.

The next few months consisted of me pushing away anyone who “thought they knew” or who wanted to “help”. My zero-tolerance for deep connections with peers was underway. However, pushing everyone away showed me the lonely side of being set apart. My first instinct was to cut the act and run back to my friends, maybe even crying, and just let them see just how shredded up I was inside. But experience stopped me. I remembered the limited patience for the hurting people around me. I remembered how it only took two or three weeks to get sick of someone not being okay. So my second realization came to pass. Hurting people are pushed away, but wanderers are herded in. My need for companionship compelled my next decision- I would be the wanderer. As long as I was okay, people would want to spend time with me. Also, as long as I was never around, they would miss me and want to spend time with me.

I knew how manipulative I was being. But different trials come to different people, and only the fittest survive. In a society where the broken are cast away and shunned I knew my iron-armor would keep me standing. The Anger alloy from my armor was growing stronger. I was impenetrable. Indestructible. Fearsome. I could see the fear in their eyes as they walked by. They could feel it radiating off of me as they walked by. I saw the distrust driving them away, and thus came upon a third realization. An increase in fear drives an increase of respect. As long as I was feared, my peers would listen to my words. My next decision was to embrace this newfound power.

I was cruel, I was merciless. I was a ruthless underground dictator. I was she who could control your next action with but one careful glance. I applied this to every person in my consciousness. I persuaded my friends and enemies alike into actions they would never commit of their own accord. It was then I realized what I had become. I was a monster, a siren, a pirate, a villain. I possessed every quality needed to take a life; detachment, realism, fearlessness, anger, and willingness. I was the product of myself and the internal influence of my surroundings.

Eddie The General

His name's Anthony, but everyone calls him "Eddie" and "Cheddie". He's basically the godfather in the form of an intense 15-year-old kid. He would be a regular Sonoran white trash wannabe gangster if it wasnt for his careful demeanor... The very way he carries himself is powerful.
It's easy to offend him. I myself managed to do so on the very first day i met him. I jokingly asked if his neighborhood-what i now percieve as the carefully oiled machine that it is- was a white trash neighborhood. In hindsight, maybe advanced sarcasm wasnt the best idea for an entirely new group of people. But i did insult his beautiful creation.
He has somehow earned the devotion of every teenaged boy, and most girls, in the townhomes. Even through his cruelty is a subtle, calm resolution and self-assurance that his decisions are best. He expects full respect from every being within his control. He gives the respect he knows he deserves up untill his trust is broken. Not that he fully trusts anyone besides Shawny, and even he doesnt try to get too close.
Eddie is not to be challenged. As far as I've seen, only one person ever has: his brother Mikey. But even then it wasnt a real opposition, and it wasnt even given a real consideration; in fact, it was almost completely ignored. Eddie knew he didn't need to provide a response. Everyone knows what happens when you try to stop Eddie.
It was a regular night, with most of the guys hangin around Cheddie's place, playing basketball and listening to a new beat they were thinking of freestyling to. Kelson must have said something earlier that Eddie didn't "appreciate". He most likely saw the slight pause of Eddie's shades in his direction, and the charactaristic tightening of his lips. Maybe it was subconscious. But regardless of the revealing indication, he knew to run. He sprinted across the street and through the allies to the park.
He never made it. Cheddie the general led his troops in an exhillarating pursuit of his latest victim. They jumped their friend-their brother-one of their own and beat him down. It wasnt meant to hurt him, just break him down. To show him what happens when you go against the pack. I had stayed behind and listened to the recording of someone i love's voice. I knew what was happening. I turned my back as best as i could. Cheddie the general and Shawny his second in command returned first. "Where were you? You missed all the fun." I'll never forget those words. After brutally hitting one of his good friends ceaselessly for minutes, he returned and called it fun. This is Eddie the general.
He sees me watching him. He knows I'm studying his actions. He doesnt think I'll figure him out. Thing is, I'm closer than he thinks. I understand the hows and whats, all thats left to learn of him is the whys. Why do you smoke? Why do you chew? Why did you used to paint? Why don't you anymore? Why don't you smile? Who made you this way? Why did you train your men so strictly? Why do you shake their hands? Why are you Cheddie?
Someday I'll know; someday I'll crack him. But until i do, he will be the one kid who managed to break me and earn my full devotion and respect  without bothering to remember my name.

you asked "what?"

Sometimes its hard, seeing you. Ever since you said we should stop. I know its stupid and my head keeps telling me to quit being such a girl but sometimes it feels like I've lost you. It seems like when we stopped kissing we were somehow not as good of friends. And even that is stupid, because I'm acting like we were a real couple instead of.. whatever we were. I know we weren't and probably never will be but in the moment it felt like you were mine. I started to confuse what love between us was supposed to be... Maybe that's why things have been a little weird lately. It kinda felt like you were breaking my heart. I told you someone would get hurt... I just didn't admitt i knew it would be me. I also wont admitt that these past few brief moments we've spent together all I've wanted to do is drop everything, slide my hand across your cheek, and kiss you with all the sweet, innocent passion of our first few kisses. I don't care about the people around. But i know you would. So i don't. And it kills me because when I'm torn up inside all i want is you even though i know it would just hurt more. You're all i ever want despite knowing that if i lean my head against yours like we used to it might end up in a kiss, and i know how bad that would end up being for both of us. Because with us it never ends with that kiss. I want more and you don't care about restrictions until we realize how far we've gone and that we still cant define exactly what we are to each other. Is that why you wanted to stop? Because you noticed a little too late the truth I've been concealing between my lips: that it doesn't matter how far we go now, we will always go farther every single time? The truth wasn't so harsh for me because to me you were my superhero and my one love. I would have done anything for you. Was it hard for you because somehow, after all we've done and been through, I'm not as important to you as you are to me? Again i know how stupid it is every time i say it aloud but it somehow keeps popping up as a real concern. Even after what you said last night, about loving me just as much as i love you. That's all I've ever needed to hear but i know deep down that next time it'll be even harder to look you in the eye without showing you how bad it hurts. Because your eyes are mine. And your lips are mine. And every inch of you I've ever dared to caress... I've taken you and you're mine. But when i feel the urge to run at you and absorb you with lovely, tangible, physical love i have to remind myself that I'm in my own delusion; you never gave yourself to me, you never loved me as your partner, you don't always see me as i see you. I wish i could cry. But not even you could awaken that part of me, not even before we complicated things. I miss how simple and sweet things were before the fountain... How we were friends and only friends and never anything more. I could tell you anything just because i wanted to, not because i was afraid that if i didn't keep sharing deep feelings with you our intimacy would fail and you would leave. Maybe i tried too hard... Was that it? Was i too available? Was it too easy to be there for me? Is that why you stopped even trying? I know that's not fair to say, you've had alot on your plate for awhile now. I know you aren't doing too well either... But i wish i could still be the one to talk to you. But i guess those days are over, huh? Gone with the only person I've truly loved. It doesn't even matter what kind of love anymore. I started this, i deal with the aftermath. I hope you don't get hurt, too. I hope you don't forget i love you. 

This was supposed to bring us together...