Why are people so horrified when I say what's on my mind? It's not like they don't ever think it. I'm not as different as they think. If they even think I'm different...
Most of my behaviors can be written off as "Normal Teenage Hormones" and stupid drama. And I agree. It probably is just that. BECAUSE I'M NO DIFFERENT THAN ANYONE ELSE. I'm intelligent, but no genius. I'm attractive, but in the average way. I'm funny, but I could never be a comedian. I'm athletic, but I'll never be a pro. I'm artistic and musically inclined, but I'm no professional. I'm... Average. And I'm okay with that.
Really the only thing slightly unique about me is my ability to change and acquire new identities. Basically, I'm fake. But.. for me it's a lifestyle.
Friends of mine: Don't freak out. If we're close at all, you know the real me. So chill.
With the help of my Dad, such a great guy, I learned from an early age that there's nothing special about me. Nothing. There will always be someone bigger, faster, stronger, smarter, and more interesting than I am. It usually takes kids their full adolescence to figure that out about themselves. So as I'm sure any of you can imagine.. I was extremely bored throughout my junior high and early high school years. While most kids my age were "trying to find themselves" I was busy inventing new identities to mess with and use to confuse people. I was actually pretty good at that. It's not much, but I can admit to being fairly good at that. Actually, I was exceptional. I successfully completed two major school-wide social experiments two years in a row. One of them went horribly wrong... but that's another story. besides, I came out alright. right? *eye twitch*
So anyways, Identities. I liked to call it "adapting" to new groups of people. How? well considering my painfully average abilities in everything I've ever tried, it was extremely easy: I played up certain parts of me and hid others. Simple. Easy. Painfully effective. Now I'm not saying no one ever saw through it. Some people are really good at that. So in those cases I would either befriend that person for real or avoid them at all costs. Thus, my handful of amazing wonderful friends and the large assortment of people who hate my guts. Talk about compatibility issues.
My mom says "Everything is 'live or die' with you!!" whenever we have disputes. How right she is. Every aspect of my life is extreme. So extreme I have to hide what I'm thinking about.
"Whatcha thinkin about?" . It's a casual question, usually just a simple conversation starter. For me it's a nightmare. More often than not my thoughts are toward the "triggers" that spark traumatic memories. I'm busy not exploding in their face as a defense mechanism for abuse. I'm busy not punching them in the jaw or breaking their neck or stabbing them in the throat. Even the people I love wouldn't survive if I wasn't constantly on guard. When they ask that stupid question, my fucking nightmare come to life, I have to scramble to come up with something a relaxed person would say in a split second. "'Pancakes.' *laughs* 'Haven't had any in awhile. What about you?'" . In reality I want to just go home and isolate myself from everyone so they can have a better life. But instead I wear my "I'm a generally happy person. I can handle life because I'm laid back" identity and bottle up any feelings that contradict it. Even my best friends get those fake answers sometimes. I wish I could tell them the truth.. but no one wants to deal with a downer. A complaining son-of-a-bitch who wont appreciate friendship. A kid who's in constant agony with rare release. A weary soul who's not okay in the slightest way possible. I guess... someone who's depressed. Who just wants to die, but cant because they have a responsibility to the people they care about.
I hide my emotions to protect my friends. Sometimes they need me. If I'm emotionally compromised they wont want to tell me whats wrong. Then they'll be bottling it up.. and I know just how much it hurts.
Back to my first statement: why are people so horrified when I say what's on my mind? Is it because I let it out in an atom bomb instead of a bunch of little cherry bombs here and there like most people? Is it because I know how to make my words hurt? Is it because they never see it coming? Is it because I don't vent- I go to the person causing the problem and throw it in their face? It takes weeks to recover from that kind of blow to my friendships, sometimes months of straight being a perfect friend. I just don't understand why. I don't understand why people don't understand me a much as I understand them. It's not like we're so different...
Most of my behaviors can be written off as "Normal Teenage Hormones" and stupid drama. And I agree. It probably is just that. BECAUSE I'M NO DIFFERENT THAN ANYONE ELSE. I'm intelligent, but no genius. I'm attractive, but in the average way. I'm funny, but I could never be a comedian. I'm athletic, but I'll never be a pro. I'm artistic and musically inclined, but I'm no professional. I'm... Average. And I'm okay with that.
Really the only thing slightly unique about me is my ability to change and acquire new identities. Basically, I'm fake. But.. for me it's a lifestyle.
Friends of mine: Don't freak out. If we're close at all, you know the real me. So chill.
With the help of my Dad, such a great guy, I learned from an early age that there's nothing special about me. Nothing. There will always be someone bigger, faster, stronger, smarter, and more interesting than I am. It usually takes kids their full adolescence to figure that out about themselves. So as I'm sure any of you can imagine.. I was extremely bored throughout my junior high and early high school years. While most kids my age were "trying to find themselves" I was busy inventing new identities to mess with and use to confuse people. I was actually pretty good at that. It's not much, but I can admit to being fairly good at that. Actually, I was exceptional. I successfully completed two major school-wide social experiments two years in a row. One of them went horribly wrong... but that's another story. besides, I came out alright. right? *eye twitch*
So anyways, Identities. I liked to call it "adapting" to new groups of people. How? well considering my painfully average abilities in everything I've ever tried, it was extremely easy: I played up certain parts of me and hid others. Simple. Easy. Painfully effective. Now I'm not saying no one ever saw through it. Some people are really good at that. So in those cases I would either befriend that person for real or avoid them at all costs. Thus, my handful of amazing wonderful friends and the large assortment of people who hate my guts. Talk about compatibility issues.
My mom says "Everything is 'live or die' with you!!" whenever we have disputes. How right she is. Every aspect of my life is extreme. So extreme I have to hide what I'm thinking about.
"Whatcha thinkin about?" . It's a casual question, usually just a simple conversation starter. For me it's a nightmare. More often than not my thoughts are toward the "triggers" that spark traumatic memories. I'm busy not exploding in their face as a defense mechanism for abuse. I'm busy not punching them in the jaw or breaking their neck or stabbing them in the throat. Even the people I love wouldn't survive if I wasn't constantly on guard. When they ask that stupid question, my fucking nightmare come to life, I have to scramble to come up with something a relaxed person would say in a split second. "'Pancakes.' *laughs* 'Haven't had any in awhile. What about you?'" . In reality I want to just go home and isolate myself from everyone so they can have a better life. But instead I wear my "I'm a generally happy person. I can handle life because I'm laid back" identity and bottle up any feelings that contradict it. Even my best friends get those fake answers sometimes. I wish I could tell them the truth.. but no one wants to deal with a downer. A complaining son-of-a-bitch who wont appreciate friendship. A kid who's in constant agony with rare release. A weary soul who's not okay in the slightest way possible. I guess... someone who's depressed. Who just wants to die, but cant because they have a responsibility to the people they care about.
I hide my emotions to protect my friends. Sometimes they need me. If I'm emotionally compromised they wont want to tell me whats wrong. Then they'll be bottling it up.. and I know just how much it hurts.
Back to my first statement: why are people so horrified when I say what's on my mind? Is it because I let it out in an atom bomb instead of a bunch of little cherry bombs here and there like most people? Is it because I know how to make my words hurt? Is it because they never see it coming? Is it because I don't vent- I go to the person causing the problem and throw it in their face? It takes weeks to recover from that kind of blow to my friendships, sometimes months of straight being a perfect friend. I just don't understand why. I don't understand why people don't understand me a much as I understand them. It's not like we're so different...
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