Protect To Destroy

I never needed you. I never wanted you. I “confided” in you and “showed you my heart” just so I could take yours and crush it. I only ever called you when the sociopathic drug addict I usually talked to about shit happening in my life wouldn’t answer or hung up on me. I was more upset about him than my actual problems. Not that I should have been. I was starting to rely on him, and he noticed that. I guess for a guy with no feelings he was kind of a sweetharte. He spared me from a lot of pain by pushing me away and leaving. So I should have been thanking him… but I didn’t care at the time. I didn’t care about anything. I still don’t.

I said I go through friends like payless shoes? Well it’s not because they betray me, or don’t love me, or are shallow… or whatever other bullshit excuse I’ve given you before. It’s because I push them away, break them down, and then leave them to rot. I find it fun. I’m not a sociopath, I am capable of love. But instead of using that to grow beautiful relationships, I prefer to crush it wherever I see it. You love her? Here, let me destroy that for you. You love me? Oh that’s cool, watch me rip you to a million pieces one shred at a time, and make sure you feel every tear. But don’t worry, it won’t be torture. Because you’ll forgive me every single time. You said you would, remember?

“You can’t hurt me.” What bullshit! I can hurt anyone. It’s what I’m here for. Maybe that’s why I always wanted to be a soldier… The only things I’m good at are protecting and destroying. I’m a monster. But… I can’t kill myself or I’ll go to Hell, and won’t be able to protect you from it.. I can’t make you kill yourself or we’ll both go to Hell, and I’ll have to spend an eternity with you. The only thing left is to kill you myself. I go to Hell, you go to Heaven. I protect you at the same time as destroying you. But I can’t do that yet… It’s not your time. I have to wait for you to fulfill your purpose before I start on mine. So hurry up, will you? I’ve been waiting for a while already.

Thanks, God. You gave me the one combination that can combat what the Devil made me. The world is safe from me. Oh yeah, but I almost forgot to mention; that very combination will destroy me. Satan wants me to kill? Yeah, give me an obligation to protect. Good idea. Make me a Christian, and let me see you. Let me love you. Then, when I swear to serve you faithfully, tell me my purpose. Tell me the horrible truth. Let me put the pieces together. Then watch me understand. I have to protect, but I need to destroy. Spiritual warfare? Yeah, that’s me. Great, huh?

Look, I don’t want to hurt you. But I have to protect you. From the world, from Hell, from… Me. But I can only save you from two of those.

I know you’ll disagree. But everyone has a purpose, why shouldn't mine be a darker unique? I always knew I was different.  I used to believe people when they said I was destined for great things... Wonderful things. Things God planned for me. I was such a fool. Now I know the truth. I’m different because I’m a mistake. An evil creation turned slightly good. A being with one purpose: to fix an exact moment in time that hasn't occurred yet. Of course, I can always just neglect my duties and forget you. But I love you… and if I do that, Satan gets you. So I’m trapped. God created a living paradox to share your destiny.

I have to be here just in case. For the slight, but undeniable chance that you might want to kill yourself too. For the likely hood that you'll succeed. And if you do, and I'm already in Hell, then you'll have to join me in the flames. But if I'm still alive... If I'm still destined for even the lowest rank of Heaven... I can give that to you. I can choose to give you my eternity... 

You said I'm not just a chess piece in this sick game called life. Well you're right. I'm not a chess piece, my life is. My decisions are what They want. My decision at the end... Whether or not I'll make the right choice. If I'll even be able to. The time has not even begun to dawn and I'm already mourning my Father's departure. will I have the strength to let him leave me forever? Even for someone I care so deeply about? You said if it was up to you, we’d be friends forever. Well, it’s not up to you. It’s my decision. And I’m sorry, but your wishes can’t be. No matter what I choose… I leave you forever.