Turmoil

I just need to get away. But not really. I want to be around... it's just, everything's too loud. too fast. too... something. I can't even breathe sometimes. Can't eat, can't sleep. My mind is shutting down... and I can't stop it. Which is bad. Really bad. If I really do have conduct disorder... will it morph into antisocial personality disorder? Will I become a sociopath? I cant afford for that to happen. Iv'e got too much to lose. I can't hurt anyone as it stands... but if my emotions and guilt continue to fade away, will I be capable of doing what I can't stop thinking about? The darkness has already consumed my mind. If all the light goes... bad things could happen. Really bad things. I don't want to do it. But I'm afraid I might. I just want this fucking war in my head to go away. To stop, for nothing to win. But... that's impossible. One side has to win. And both sides will destroy me. For three years I've kept it a fair fight. Equal. No side gained any ground. But it's becoming unbearable...the endless turmoil. Torture.  It hurts so bad. I have to end it, but I don't know how. And I don't know who should win. I don't trust anyone to make that decision for me. Actually... I couldn't do that to them. Because if I blow up, they're the first person I'd lash out on. And if I shut down, they're the one I'd leave. I can't give anyone that responsibility. If they're close enough to be let in... I can't hurt them. I just... I don't know what to do. Both sides would destroy the world if given the chance. If I keep them busy maybe they'll leave me alone. Maybe I can stay alive.