Wow!! Cool!!! A surprise post!!!
yep, that's right. A live, current, real post from the actual day I wrote it. nope, i'm not coming back yet. but this is still kinda cool, right?
no? then fuck you, go away you ungrateful brat.
Enjoy.
It has always been hard for me to imagine my future. Even as a little kid, "what I wanna be when I grow up..." always seemed like more of a game than a possible reality. My childhood was a fantasy world with war games and fairy tales; lawyers, vets, professional jelly bean-testers, and teachers didn't quite fit in to that. It was just another game of make-believe to talk about the future.
As I grew older, and went through that mind-blowing change where I could actually form my own opinions, I progressively realized that I didn't expect to live past my youth. It was just middle school, high school, and then... nothing. I wasn't suicidal yet, I didn't plan on doing anything extremely dangerous... I just couldn't imagine anything past that. It was like my life had a pre-determined expiration date. College never really crossed my mind as a serious possibility. Neither did marriage, kids, a career, retirement, or even old age. I couldn't imagine myself past 17.
All those lectures about my future from family and supportive teachers just kind of went over my head. I listened, of course, I'm not intentionally rude to people I respect. I could probably even recite them all word for word by now. But it never seemed to apply to me. It was like their speeches were meant for someone else, and I was just the middle-man used to spread the word to the person who actually needed it. I started almost flunking classes every semester. Grades meant nothing to me anymore. Sure, I could have easily gotten straight A's if I tried, but I didn't see the point of passing except to keep my family off my back. School was a joke.
Maybe I should have focused more on school... It would have distracted and kept me away from all the junk that destroyed me. But hey, you live and learn, right? Now I've finally learned how to cope with my everyday life, and all the insanity and horrors that come with it. I've realized how easy it is for me to just give up and fall back into my own personal hell, and how to stop myself from doing just that. I'm ready to fight for the future I never knew I had. I'm ready to LIVE.
I've been given one last chance to save myself... and I intend to use it to the fullest potential. There will always be something to hold me back, but there will always be a reason to venture on into the abyss of my life.
yep, that's right. A live, current, real post from the actual day I wrote it. nope, i'm not coming back yet. but this is still kinda cool, right?
no? then fuck you, go away you ungrateful brat.
Enjoy.
It has always been hard for me to imagine my future. Even as a little kid, "what I wanna be when I grow up..." always seemed like more of a game than a possible reality. My childhood was a fantasy world with war games and fairy tales; lawyers, vets, professional jelly bean-testers, and teachers didn't quite fit in to that. It was just another game of make-believe to talk about the future.
As I grew older, and went through that mind-blowing change where I could actually form my own opinions, I progressively realized that I didn't expect to live past my youth. It was just middle school, high school, and then... nothing. I wasn't suicidal yet, I didn't plan on doing anything extremely dangerous... I just couldn't imagine anything past that. It was like my life had a pre-determined expiration date. College never really crossed my mind as a serious possibility. Neither did marriage, kids, a career, retirement, or even old age. I couldn't imagine myself past 17.
All those lectures about my future from family and supportive teachers just kind of went over my head. I listened, of course, I'm not intentionally rude to people I respect. I could probably even recite them all word for word by now. But it never seemed to apply to me. It was like their speeches were meant for someone else, and I was just the middle-man used to spread the word to the person who actually needed it. I started almost flunking classes every semester. Grades meant nothing to me anymore. Sure, I could have easily gotten straight A's if I tried, but I didn't see the point of passing except to keep my family off my back. School was a joke.
Maybe I should have focused more on school... It would have distracted and kept me away from all the junk that destroyed me. But hey, you live and learn, right? Now I've finally learned how to cope with my everyday life, and all the insanity and horrors that come with it. I've realized how easy it is for me to just give up and fall back into my own personal hell, and how to stop myself from doing just that. I'm ready to fight for the future I never knew I had. I'm ready to LIVE.
I've been given one last chance to save myself... and I intend to use it to the fullest potential. There will always be something to hold me back, but there will always be a reason to venture on into the abyss of my life.
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